http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Geologist
Found it kind of Hilarious ...
To spot a geologist in the wild, look for:
- Someone who has the longest occupational description on Uncyclopedia (and has looked at all the other occupations to confirm while consuming large quantities of alchohol).
- Hand-lens, compass, pen-knife, handcuffs etc. tied round neck with string.
- Someone awkward and unsure around people who don't know the difference between a rock and a mineral
- Someone with a beard and Sandals... Jesus was a Geologist (actually, carpenters back then were also stonemasons, so there is some truth to that statement)
- Someone who owns a pet rock and is not eight (in the case of paleontologists, this will be their closest friend), with said 'pet' often found hanging from keys.
- Someone with over enthusiasm on the subject of dinosaurs and who cringes when a dinosaur is called a reptile.
- Someone who outgrew geology, started a brewery, and is now in politics.
- Someone explaining to airport security that a sidewall core covered in gunpowder residue isn't really a weapon.
- Someone who only includes people in photos for scale, and has more pictures of his/her rock hammer and lens caps than of family and friends. Especially *Someone who uses their new baby for scale (Oh God..the horror!)
- Someone who, if they could travel to Jupiter's moon, IO, would think the coolest part about it was the volcanoes and not the space travel.
- Someone with a collection of beer cans/bottles that rivals the size of his rock collection.
- Someone lighting a cigarette with a handlens focussing the sunlight, or a coat hanger stretched between the battery terminals of a University van.
- Someone who brings beer instead of water when hiking.
- Someone whose lunch consists of rocks, instead of ordinary bread. Shale lightly sprinkled in Halite mostly.
- Someone who consumes tonsil-killing chili for dinner every night of the week, and warms it up in a can on the drill rig engine block.
- Someone whose child is trained to know the geologic timescale before being able to walk.
- Someone explaining to airport security that just because his/her safety boots are covered in high-explosive (usually ANFEX) residue, it doesn't mean he/she is a terrorist
- Someone with hair in a pony-tail (this applies to male or female geologists).
- Someone who considers a "recent event" to be anything that has happened in the last hundred million years.
- Someone who licks and/or scratches & sniffs rocks or in case of china clay will eat it to prove it's perfectly safe.
- Someone who eats dirt and claims to be "getting an estimate of grain size"
- Someone who will willingly cross an eight-lane interstate on foot to determine if the outcrops are the same on both sides.
- Someone who considers causing a four-lane pile-up on the highway by examining outcrops while driving, as acceptable behaviour.
- Someone who can pronounce the word molybdenite correctly on the first try.
- Someone who has hiked 6 miles to look at a broken fence that was "offset by a recent earthquake".
- Someone who says "this will make a nice Christmas gift" while out rock collecting.
- Someone who thinks a "sexual exploit" is lying naked on an outcrop so the satellite will photograph them on the next pass.
- Someone who hires student assistants with an eye to whether they can run slower so the bears get them first.
- Someone who can jump start a campfire in wet weather with the judicious application of a beer fart.
- Someone who from personal experience knows the difference between Arctic grade and summer grade diesel fuel.
- Someone who even on an average day in the field can make Indiana Jones look like a bit of a klutzy wuss
- Someone who looks at scenery and tells you how it formed.
- Someone whose pockets tend to be filled with bits of rock.
- Someone whose rockery moved into their spare room and had replaced the goldfish.
- Someone who has more pairs of hiking boots than shoes.
- Someone who knows that Lagerstätten isn't beer, but wishes it was.
- Someone who wears hiking boots constantly, even for formal functions, and occasionally sandals with (obligatory) socks
- Someone who thinks of woodlice as trilobites but would tell anyone off who said so.
- Someone who, when on a beach, will collect shells and try to explain their muscle scars to you.
- Someone who prefers to explain the sequence of events shown in a cliff face to sunbathing.
- Someone whose collection of petrified wood samples is stacked like cord wood.
- Someone who plans extra time on trips to investigate road cuts along the way.
- Someone who almost crashes his/her car looking at road cuts while driving.
- Someone who often explains how their boozy coffee with whipped cream resembles a layered igneous complex.
- Someone who knows the phylum, kingdom, and genus of every ancient creature lodged in stone, some of which look nothing like an animal, but can't remember his/her mother's, or spouse's, birthday.
- Someone who uses a geologic hammer to halve a boiled egg, open a coconut, open a melon, crack nuts, or generally open any tough to get at food.
- Someone who modifies his/her pace to one meter in order to simplify pace-and-compass mapping.
- Someone whose radioactive ore specimen collection glows in the dark. It is so bright you can:
- use it to read by.
- illuminate your front yard.
- use it as a landing beacon.
- see it from Mars.
- Someone who can identify the chemical formula for Cummingtonite...and chuckles like a junior-high kid every time.
- Someone stuck on the side of the road without a spare tire because it was removed to make more room for samples or alcohol (or the spare is already being used on the other side of the van).
- Someone who, when asked what this rock is says, "Leverite, so leave her right there."
- Someone who compulsively peels pack moss and topsoil in the woods, just in case there are rocks underneath.
- Someone unwilling to improve their personal situation, resigned to the fact that the sun will explode in 5 billion years anyways.
- Someone who walks out of a bathroom and asks if you noticed the fossils in the stall dividers.
- Someone prone to Linnean mnemonic devices such as Keep Privates Clean Or Forget Getting Screwed.
- Someone who can only relate to one "Rock Band" (besides BIF): Are We Not Men, We Are Devonian!
- Someone who enjoys their topography: Subduction leads to orogeny, and orogeny leads to relief.
- Someone who walks into an art museum and looks at the floors and columns commenting on the stylolites and fossils, rather than looking at the paintings.
- Someone whose shorts expose way more leg than you ever wanted to see.
- Someone who rocks the party and is the schist everywhere they go.
- Someone whose sentences begin with the phrase, "Let me tell you what happened here."
- Someone who can say, "Gneiss Cleavage" or talks about slaty cleavage and means it in a non-derogatory sense.
- Someone who has to point out that your kitchen worktop is NOT made of granite and after a seemingly non-sensical crash course in petrology (involving many 'diagrams' and supposed 'writing') will even produce their trusty hand-lens to show you.
- Someone who gets really upset when the countertop, which is obviously mafic/aphanitic/metamorphic, is called granite and takes 20 minutes to tell you why you're wrong.
- Someone who has an odd obsession with Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Star Trek etc...and often dresses the part!
- Someone who can’t use a street map because it doesn’t have contour lines.
- When helping someone move and you ask "is this box full of rocks?" They answer "yes, be careful."
- Someone who always carries a small squeezy bottle of vinegar in their pocket
- Someone unsympathetic at the prospect of extinction for the long-haired woolly-horn red-butt moose, replying "Glaciers woulda killed him off in 10,000 years anyways."
- Someone who when colouring, stays between the lines. Always.
- Someone who scoffs when they see your compass doesn't have a clinometer as standard.
- Someone who will drink whiskey from funnels at parties in place of lager.
- Someone who selfdescribes his character as: "I'm gneiss, but don't take it for granite!"
- Someone who insists on wearing shorts and flip-flops in the dead of winter "so their toes can breathe". Only in really cold weather will they wear hiking boots with their shorts.
- Someone throws huge pieces of pumice at strangers to determine if they are acceptable to befriend.
- Someone who has a moustache or excessive facial hair.
- Someone who takes baths in crude oil.
- Someone who has a holster for their rock hammer.
